“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens