Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.