Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?