sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
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After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother