Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL