Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?