Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
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The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
In Canada they just call them geese
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn