Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

i wonder why they stopped looking

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.