“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
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The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too