Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”