Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
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Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment