Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
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[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.