Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
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You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.