Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET