Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing