“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
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Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”