Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

a public service announcement

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that