“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
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When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
This dude got his own movie?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out