Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t we all.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

Phones down.

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

uh oh