Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.