Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

Was it something I said?

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand