Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Doctors texting each other.