Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
u spoke cat all this time??????
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.