Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.

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[Clinic waiting room]
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?


If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.


I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.


I know you’ve been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it’s over now. Also, you’re a donut. And I ate you.


I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.


*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.


“So,why r all Arabs terrorists?”
‘There’s 369,243,763 Arabs.If they were mostly terrorists,you’d be dead’


I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.


Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.