Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.