Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”