Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong