Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Florida be like…
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket