Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
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Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
😭😭
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable