Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

I’m not lazy

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.