Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
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Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
i’m sure it’s fine
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
This kid is going places
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese