@elle91: Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn't recognize them because they've gotten so big.
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@BoogTweets: A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
@djdarrellripley: Him: You're a DJ? I'm not one for dancing. I've got this leg, you see? I've had it since the war. Me: How long have you had the other one?
@jergarl: *takes ambien Oh. You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents. Wife: Really? Me:*already getting naked* I'm sure it will be fine.