Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

*praying for world peace*
God:

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

finally found a reasonable question

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.