Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.