Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
feetloaf
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?