Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Every photo I’m tagged in
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.