Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
You Might Also Like
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.