Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.