COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
You Might Also Like
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]