Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

middle school in the ’90s

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good