Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

Livid.

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?