Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”