Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?