Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

My dog learned how to text

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.