Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are blue

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

Choose your fighter

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.