Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

Lol.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

can’t wait til they legalize outside

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so