[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before