Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what