Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*