Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

we did it you guys we saved daylight

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread