*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
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I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me, in DM rooms…
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Grandmother clock.