Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
accurate
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.