Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I only eat vegetarians.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?