Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

(Musicians.)

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

Erm I’m gonna say no

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.