@ruinedpicnic

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy
Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE

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@Sassafrantz

As a mom, I know nothing good happens after you hear one of your kids yell “JOHN CENA!!”

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

@LOsepyan

Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?

@DannyZuker

Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.

@JJSummertime

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

@topherjordan

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

@shariv67

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

@bridger_w

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave