I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
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Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
it is time once again
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots