Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

my proudest tweet

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him