Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

Can’t stop laughing

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally