Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

Pleading insanity in small claims court

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face