Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.