Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

Interior design 👌

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP