Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
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My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life