Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
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[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Just a phase…
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)