Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

God tier horse name today on the sims

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”