Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
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I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Sell your car
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”