Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal