Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!