Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

So Hamburger help me, God

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.