Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.