Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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No chill.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.