Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Good point.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
this has done me in for some reason
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
work smarter, not harder
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out