Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”