shit just got real
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Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
britain’s three elite institutions
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Holy moly
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.