Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

Home is where your toilet is.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

The Assassin.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.