Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.