Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
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For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in